Week 12 - In-law Relations

Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families:
Accepting and being accepted into our new families is one of the hardest challenges I feel in our marriages. My husband and I have had it pretty easy because we have lived far from our families for practically our whole marriage. It has been difficult because we miss the closeness, but it has helped us construct our own relationship and family. We have not had to deal with the struggles of pleasing both sides of the family. For example, I have one brother in particular who was not accepted at first because we come from a humble background and they are more affluent. They worried that their daughter would not enjoy the same amenities that she was accustomed to. I have always been impressed on how my brother handled the situation. He didn't let it allow him to have bitter feelings toward them. He continued to further his education and was able to get a good job where he can support his family and provide them not only the necessities of life, but many comforts also. This story could have had a different ending if he had not "killed them with kindness". They are very close and enjoy a healthy and happy relationship. 
We are instructed by the leaders of the church to become one with our spouses. We must still love and help our family of origin, but our spouse must become our first priority. My husband is from Mexico and there is a saying "se lava la ropa sucia en su propia casa", this means "One washes the dirty laundry in their own house". This is some of the best advice one can give a newly married couple. Marriage is a culture shock for sure. It is surprising how quickly the troubles come and soon the honeymoon is over. One of the worst things one can do is complain about their spouse to their family members. They often do not realize that they are only creating animosity towards their spouse. For example, if a new wife complains to her mom about how her husband treats her, when she is no longer angry, her mom will be. Without even realizing it, she has created tension between her husband and mom which may not easily prepared. The best thing we can do is try to work out problems alone and find an unbiased source of support if needed.

Here is a talk from the Ensign which is very informative:
The Principles of Marriage, Matthew O. Richardson, April 2005

Debt and Marriage:
Debt is one of the easiest ways to destroy a marriage. Credit cards, which are fairly easy to obtain, are the worst type. It is so easy to rack up thousands of dollars in small, seemingly harmless increments. Before you know it, you are only working to pay off the debt and have no extra money. This can put a marriage onto a dark path. When you are constrained by the bondage of debt, the stress can wreak havoc on a marriage. Here are a few steps on how to avoid debt.
1. Pay your tithing - this humbles us and helps us keep a healthy perspective about money.
2. Talk about finances with your spouse and set up a budget - Even if one of the spouses is very good with money, if the other is not, debt is still inevitable because one is always spending faster than the other can save. Discussing finances and keeping within a budget helps each of them concentrate on needs and not wants when spending the money.
3. Don't try to keep up with the Jones' - Wanting to have what others have when you can't afford it can lead us down a path of debt and destruction. My husband and I have tried very hard to live within our means. We only buy very used cars with cash and we save for our wants.
There are so many things we can do, but if we follow these three guidelines, we will manage our money wisely and stay out of debt.
Personal experience:
Last year my husband and I purchased our first home, we were very excited and decided to take the left over from our down payment and purchase brand, new furniture. We would look and search, but couldn't agree on anything.  This happened for over two weeks. We never had the chance to buy furniture because the basement main drain backed up and we were out $1200.00. We were so grateful we had not splurged as planned, but this left very little for us to buy furniture with. We had thrown out all of our furniture so we needed some quickly. We considered using credit to pay for it. It was not worth it to me, so I suggested we at least look at thrift stores. We went to the thrift store hoping to find something suitable. Thankfully, we found a great set for $175.00. This taught me a great lesson. We don't always need brand new for it to be nice and it is better to have money set aside for emergencies than for our wants. It also helped build my testimony of tithing. Heavenly Father has always blessed us that when the trials as these come in our lives, we have had the funds to pay for them. I know this is because we pay our tithing. I am trying to instill these same qualities in my children so they can live a happy life without the constraints of debt.

Gospel perspective:
The Dangers of Debt in Marriage, Rulon T. Burton, September 1984

Week 11 - Power Relations and Children ...

Power in our family relationships:
When we think of the word power, it invokes may different thoughts. For myself, I think of control, but I think of it with a gospel perspective it is not control, but teaching and sharing responsibilities.
We have a great responsibility to use make sure the power in relationships is used in a correct manner. First, the parents should be the leaders in the family. I love this quote by President Kimball.

 

 

Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him.  If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him

(Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).

 

I have always compared my relationship to my children to Heavenly Father's relationship with me. He gives me commandments and limits out of love so I do the same for my children. It is hard at times and sometimes you feel like you should give in because it is easier, but one must always remind themselves of their goals for their children. I want my children to be successful adults, capable of success in all of their endeavors and this will not happen if I give in to their every whim. This has been a struggle with my husband. The way children are disciplined is much different in his home life and culture than mine was. He also has hard time not giving into the cries of our children. Thankfully, as they have grown and he has seen the difference in how they act when we discipline them correctly from when we don't, he has come so far and now we work together for the benefit of our children.

 

Next, is the power in our marriage. Spouses are equal partners and each have different responsibilities. At times, as sad as it sounds, some men have decided that because they have the priesthood, it gives them power to control. The following talk from Elder Richard G. Scott gives a perfect outline of how a man should act as a priesthood leader in his own home.

Men are not always the guilty parties when it comes to control in marriage. Some wives try to control their husbands in aspects of finances, church attendance, etc. Most of the time, the only thing accomplished by this is pushing them away. I have learned this in my own marriage and have learned to allow my husband his agency as I want to be allowed mine. The following talk gives some great advice on how we can have a better marriage.

Marriage without manipulation. Larry K. Langlois 

 

Family Council: 

The great leaders of this church have provided us with a great example on how we should lead our families. When they meet together, the room is filled with the spirit and they don't allow contention to enter. When I have participated in my own family council and I have followed the guidelines they have provided, I have felt the spirit so strongly. I feel what brings it in most is the expression of love and gratitude that is done before starting. This softens our hearts and allows us to be open and honest, it also invites the spirit and allows the discussion to flow without guile or contention.

 

Here are the guidelines given to us in this course:

Characteristics of the council the brethren typically have each week in Salt Lake City:

1.     Regular time and place to meet (temple each Thursday morning)

2.     A meeting agenda distributed in advance of the meeting

3. Beginning with expressions of love and concern for each member, individually
4. Opening with prayer, inviting the Spirit to assist with the process
5. A member invited to initiate discussion of the item by defining the problem and current status of decisions, etc.
6. Opening for orderly discussion (one at a time, "additive" rather than corrective comments from each member in turn, etc.)
7. On-going, focused discussion until consensus is reached, under the clear influence of the Spirit (as opposed to compromise)
8. Moving forward with unity in accordance with the decision reached
9. Often a snack or other unifying tradition (The brethren often enjoy chocolates and pie when they meet in the temple!)
10. Follow-up discussions of results and progress toward determined outcome

  

I know that if we strive to live these principles and lead with love and appreciation in our homes, we will be more united and the bonds of love with be strengthened. My experience has taught me this and I have seen great changes in my relationships when I have done it in my own life. Last of all, I want to share a talk. Elder Eyering teaches us perfectly how we can be one in our marriages.