Week 4 - Behaviors That Negatively Affect Marriage ...

This pretty sums up the week I had as I studied the Gottman theories. I found them very interesting and enlightening, but they also were a warning. Negativity creeps in so easily and before we know it, we have lost an entire week because we were so focused on our own pride. When I first started reading about the four horsemen, it made me really nervous. I could see where my husband and I used the elements (criticism, complaining, contempt, and stonewalling) a lot of the time. I also saw how I instigate so many of our fights because I let my own securities cause the true message of his words become discombobulated and misunderstood. This leads me to become offended and demanding an apology. My husband has backed down to this for so long that he is tired and rarely gives in now. This makes me even more upset and I experience flooding and breakdown. Seeing it truly and analyzing my actions and the outcomes of those actions has given me a new perspective and something to work on for myself.
Don't worry. The picture is much less bleak than I painted it. These fights are few and far between, but I am grateful they happened this week. The assignments given helped me to take a step back and really see my part of it all and I gained a greater understanding of where I need to improve.

As I read the first few chapters of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John M. Gottman I was reminded of these two kids. They were so young and were best friends. They would talk for hours and shared everything with each other. One of my favorite things that Gottman spoke about and what I feel has helped us so much in our marriage is being good friends. When you have that friendship, when the hurts happen (and they do), they are much less painful because you have good memories and good experiences to override the negativity. If we let our friendship dwindle and there is more negativity than positivity, it is really hard to hold onto the good times. As I read the chapters, I realized how much I rely on those good times. Even when the pressures of a mortgage, kids, school, work, and everything cause us to lash out at each other, we can get over it quickly because we have a deep rooted love that began with a strong friendship.

One of my most favorite parts of these chapter were when Gottman spoke about myths. Here are a few that he explained why they just weren't true.
1.  Neurosee and personality problems ruin marriage.
*We all have our little quirks, but that doesn't mean that we can't succeed at love.
2.  Common interests keep you together.
*I really liked this one because I have always worried that my husband and I don't have a hobby together. We have tried, but we really don't enjoy the same things. He loves golf, and is very good at it, I have a hard time enjoying the silent monotony. I love baseball, but they played it very differently in Mexico and doesn't like our version. This helped me realize we don't have to have something that we do specifically together to stay together.
3. You scratch my back and ...
*I have never liked the idea of trying to measure what one does in comparison to the other. I believe you should just do it without thought of receiving anything in return.
4.  Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.
*This taught me that you don't always have to sit down and hash it out. I have always been one  who believes the myth. My husband is one who feels you don't have to always confront every little thing. I liked how Gottman spoke of a couple who go and do their own thing when they are angry. I think that is a really good idea. Arguing rarely makes things better and usually brings things up from the past.
5.  Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
*I found this really interesting. Usually by the time the affair happens, the marriage has been in
trouble for some time. The person who has the affair is usually looking for companionship and
attention.
6.  Men are not "biologically" built for marriage.
*I agreed with Gottman because he said that the biggest reason that men had the affairs was they
were the ones outside of the home. Now that more women are working outside of the home, the number of women having affairs has actually exceeded those of men having affairs.
7.  Men and women are from different planets.
*Gottman said thinking that men and women are so different that they will never understand each
other is actually part of the problem. "Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don't cause them.

I feel at times we let these myths get in the way of really enjoying our marriage and appreciating it for what it is. I do, so many times I work myself up because my marriage isn't fitting into the mold I feel it should. Reading these myths helped me realize I need to calm down and enjoy my marriage for what it is.

A Gospel Perspective:
 Don't let negativism ruin your marriage.

This talk explains perfectly the material we read this week. It talks about how we can take completely forget about the good things in our spouse if we allow the negativity take over.