Week 5 - Cherishing your spouse ...

I wanted to start out this week with a review of the four horsemen that Dr. Gottman states are a predictor of divorce. They are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Please watch the following videos for examples of each.

 

Now each of, I am sure has let each of these enter our marriages, but we mustn't let it overrun the marriage. This can be accomplished by nurturing our relationship and beginning to cherish our spouse as we once did. There had to be love there at sometimes, why else why would have gotten married. The stresses and worries of life such as bills, jobs, kids, etc. kind of sneak in and take over. 

I really like how Gottman explains it in this video here.

In the second video he gives us seven steps to a happy marriage. What I like is they really are simple and things we should be doing anyway. I know that as I have put these practices to work in my own marriage, I have seen it make a huge difference. The last couple of weeks have been a little shaky. I have my own problems with negative thoughts and sometimes project them onto others, especially my husband. This has caused contentions because I will take things he says and take them completely out of context and become upset for no reason. At times, I have felt very alone because of it. This week's activities have been an amazing experience. The activities I have done alone and those we have done together have brought us so much closer. I have realized how truly blessed I am and how I really need to learn to kick the negativity out of my own head. I would like to share a couple of them that I have felt have helped me the most and I would recommend anyone who is having a hard time in their marriage to do them.

Fondness and Admiration Questionnaire:

According to our research, fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Getting through stressful times and managing conflict is much easier if you and your partner regularly shows how highly you value each other! The following questions have been designed by Dr. Gottman to assess the current level of fondness and admiration that exists in your relationship. On a sheet of paper, please answer T for true and F for false. 

1. I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner. T F
2. When we are apart, I often think fondly about my partner. T F
3. I will often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.” T F
4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. T F 
5. My partner really respects me. T F 
6. I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. T F
7. I feel accepted and liked by my partner. T F 
8. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. T F 
9. My partner turns me on sexually. T F 
10. There is fire and passion in this relationship. T F
11. Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. T F
12. I am really proud of my partner. T F 
13. My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments. T F 
14. I can easily tell you why I started dating my partner. T F 
15. If I had it all over again, I would date the same person. T F 
16. We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection. T F 
17. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. T F 
18. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship. T F 
19. My partner generally likes my personality. T F
20. Our sex life is generally satisfying. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each true answer.

10 or above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. Because you value each other highly, you have a shield that can protect your relationship from being overwhelmed by any negativity that also exists between you. Although it might seem obvious to you that people who are in love have a high regard for each other, its common for spouses to lose sight of some of their fondness and admiration over time. Remember that this fondness and admiration is a gift worth cherishing. Completing this exercise from time to time will help you reaffirm your positive feelings for each other. 

Below 10: Your relationship could stand some improvement in this area. Don’t be discouraged by a low score! There are many couples for whom the fondness and admiration system has not died but is buried under layers of negativity, hurt feelings, and betrayal. By reviving the positive feelings that still lie deep below, you can strengthen your bond enormously!

If your fondness and admiration for each other are being chipped away, the route to bringing them back always begins with realizing how valuable they are. Fondness and admiration are crucial to the long-term happiness of a relationship because they prevent contempt - a corrosive that, over time, breaks down the bond between partners - from becoming an overwhelming presence in your lives. The better in-touch you are with your deep positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to act contemptuous of your partner when you have a difference of opinion.

** I think I scored a 14 on this questionnaire and it was the first step in realizing that I have no reason to think as negatively as I do at times. This really put things into perspective for me because I realized most of the negativity that enters into our life in because of me. I am working on working on me so that I can be a better wife because I will love myself also.

I Appreciate Exercise:

From the list below, choose three items that you think are characteristic of your partner. If there are more than three, still select just three (you can choose another three if you decide to do this exercise again). Even if you can recall only one instance when your partner displayed this characteristic, you can choose it.

Loving, Sensitive, Brave, Intelligent, Thoughtful, Generous, Loyal, Truthful, Strong, Energetic, Sexy, Decisive, Creative, Imaginative, Fun, Attractive, Interesting, Supportive, Funny, Considerate, Affectionate, Organized, Resourceful, Athletic, Cheerful, Coordinated, Graceful, Elegant, Gracious, Playful, Caring, A great friend, Exciting, Full of plans, Shy, Vulnerable, Committed, Involved, Expressive, Active, Careful, Reserved, Adventurous, Receptive, Reliable, Responsible, Dependable, Nurturing, Warm, Virile, Kind, Gentle, Practical, Lusty, Witty, Relaxed, Beautiful, Handsome, Rich, Calm, Lively, A great partner, A great parent, Assertive, Protective, Sweet, Tender, Powerful, Flexible, Understanding, Totally silly…

For each item you chose, briefly think of an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic of your partner. Write about it in your notebook or journal as follows:

1. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident: 

___________________________________________

2. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident:

___________________________________________
 

3. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident: 

___________________________________________

Now share your list with your partner. Let him or her know what it is about these traits that you value so highly.

**This also helped strengthen us so much. As I prepared for the activity, so many memories flooded back, things I hadn't thought about in so long. Most were from the beginning of our marriage before all of the stress, kids, and financial obligations. It was fun to remember how we once were and exciting to feel we may gain some of that back.

Gospel Perspective:
Our Perfect Example by Henry B. Eyering

I am so grateful for the experiences I have had this week. I hope all of those who are struggling in their marriage will look at these activities and do them seriously and with intent. I know they will help you as they have helped me.

Additional resources:
Gottman Activities Workbook

References:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, 1999