Week 6 - Staying Emotionally Connected ...

When I hear the words "staying emotionally connected", I think of romantic dates, roses, and gifts. When you have been married for 12 years and have 5 children that is all hard to come by. It can be disheartening, but if you read Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", you can find hope. I really like how romance can grow in simple ways. Gottman states, "As comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, 'Are we out of bleach?' and the husband says, 'I don't know. Let me go get some just in case,' instead of shrugging apathetically." This shows he is interested in what his wife worries about and her love for him grows. It is the little, mundane things we do everyday that help keep the romance alive in our relationship.
                           As I think about this I am reminded of a quote by President Hinckley

We are surrounded everyday of images in the media that would suggest happiness in marriage relationships, or any romantic relationship for that matter, has to be filled with exciting romantic gestures and a grand show of proclaiming our love. If we are lucky, we will realize that true love isn't glamorous or exciting. It is comfortable and familiar. It is worrying about children and each other. It is being best friends and always relying on one another.

We can do this by turning towards each other instead of away. Here are a few exercises that can help you along the way.

Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?
To get a good sense of how your relationship is faring (or is likely to fare in the future) in the romance department, answer the following questions. Read each statement and circle T for “true” and F for “false”

1. We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. T F
2. I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. T F
3. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. T F
4. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. T F
5. I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. T F
6. My partner is one of my best friends. T F
7. I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. T F
8. We just love talking to each other. T F
9. When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. T F
10. We always have a lot to say to each other. T F
11. We have a lot of fun together. T F
12. We are spiritually very compatible. T F
13. We tend to share the same basic values. T F
14. We like to spend time together in similar ways. T F
15. We really have a lot of common interests. T F
16. We have many of the same dreams and goals. T F
17. We like to do a lot of the same things. T F
18. Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests. T F
19. Whatever we do together, we usually have a good time. T F
20. My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
10 or above: Congratulations! This is an area of strength in your marriage. Because you are so often “there” for each other during the minor events in your lives, you have built up a hefty emotional bank account that will support you over any rough patches in your marriage (and keep many at bay). It’s those little moments that you rarely think about – when you’re shopping at the supermarket, folding laundry, or having a quick catch-up call while you’re both still at work –that make up the heart and soul of a marriage. Having a surplus in your emotional bank account is what makes romance last and gets you through hard times, bad moods, and major life changes.

Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. By learning to turn toward each other more during the minor moments in your day, you will make your marriage not only more stable but more romantic. Every time you make the effort to listen and respond to what your spouse says, to help him or her, you make your marriage a little better.


Stress Reducing Exercise:

DO:                                                                                  
1. Take Turns                                                                    
2. Don't give unsolicited advice
3. Show genuine interst
4. Communicate your understanding
5. Take your spouse's side
6. Express a "we against others' attitude
7. Express affection
8. Validate emotion        

As we do these, we will turn toward each other and grow closer together. If it has been a while, it may take practice, but it will come. Have discussions with each other often and try to connect each day. For myself, it is easiest for my husband and I to do over dinner. I think it also helps the children to see us connecting each day and to be part of the conversation.

Another way to stay connected is to have shared meaning in our life. We should set aside time often to talk about our goals, this includes personal, family, and marriage goals. It is always good to have family rituals and traditions. This has helped my family stay close. We live in a different state from either side of the family. It feels lonely at times, but we have kept it away by setting up little traditions in our home. We celebrate birthdays by doing a fun activity together. My husband and I have a quiet breakfast together each day because he works nights. It is a nice time to enjoy the quiet together while kids are at school and reconnect.

A gospel perspective:

I know as we do these, we will grow closer together. We must let go in the idea that true romance is grand gestures and take pleasure in the small, everyday things. As I have taken account of how my husband and I turn toward each other, I have seen the little ways he shows his love and have realized that what I may perceive as lack of concern, is just him being busy and worrying about other things. I have come to realize that as I become a comfort and a help mate, he will turn toward me instead of away.