Week 10 - Transitions in Marriage - Fidelity and Physical Intimacy ...

One of the things that struck me most in this week's reading was the talk about emotional fidelity. It is so easy to become complacent in our relationships with the opposite sex. I, for example, have a friend who I have known since I was twelve. We have a undeniable connection and it is felt by everyone around us. I can remember one time, before we were married, my husband and I hung out with my friends and this one certain friend happened to be there. My husband became very annoyed at the way I was acting around my friend. I had never thought about how it looked before and I decided to always keep some distance from that certain friend because I knew my husband was the most important person in my life. It can be so easy to fall into the trap that it is all innocent and that it is just friendly, but we should always take into consideration how we may be causing our spouse to feel.

Here is a great talk that can help us understand why it is important to be completely loyal to our spouses in our marriage.
Fidelity in Marriage, It's more than you think ...

 

Often times when I think of pornography, I think of magazines filled with filth that are read by people in secret. The sad truth is that it is now everywhere. You can never be too careful either because it can pop up when you least expect it. For example, the other day my girls were watching Cinderella on a supposed family channel. I was cooking dinner and they ran in and told me that a really bad commercial just came on for a different show. I was taken back because I thought they would be safe. Needless to say, the channel was changed and they will no longer be watching any programs on this certain station. I think President Hinckley said it best in the following talk:

A Tragic Evil Among Us

I also believe the greatest gift we can give our children is a wonderful marriage. We also need to teach them about intimacy. The world views sex in a whole different light and if we are not careful, it will tell our kids what to think about it. I believe we should teach them that it is a wonderful experience that can be shared by two people who have kept themselves worth of it. I also don't want them to feel ashamed of it, but look forward to the day they can share the experience of it with their spouse. I know that it is so important to speak of chastity and purity, but this is so much more than just being abstinent, so we should make sure they know the difference.

Here is a great website that can be used as a reference for parents when wanting to teach their children about intimacy:
http://www.overcomingpornography.org/spouses-and-families/teaching-about-procreation-and-chastity?lang=eng

Week 9: Seeking to understand ...

Goddard:  
Charity in marriage
This had to be one of my favorite chapters. First we have to ask ourselves what is charity. If we look it up in the dictionary, the definition it gives us is; the voluntary giving of help, typically in the form of money, to those in need. I would like to expand it even further, I love what Elder Oaks says here:

This is what we have to do in marriage. We must become charity. It sounds odd, but by putting our spouses needs before our own and striving to serve them each day, we will become charity. Our marriage will become charity. We will have a happier home, happier children, and happier lives just by doing these little things everyday. It sounds simple enough, but it is actually very difficult. It is hard to give up oneself wholly, especially if we feel the other is not doing so. It is easy to fall into the trap of resentment and pettiness, but we must always look at our own hearts first. If we strive to make ourselves the best person we can be and focus on serving our spouse, we will be amazed at the changes that come about and how we will receive service and love from them.

Gospel perspective:
This is a wonderful story that explains perfectly what we need to do if we find ourselves struggling in our marriage.
Falling Out of Love ... and Climbing Back In

Goddart:

This chapter really struck me because how often do we "squash" each other's dreams? I will give you an example. My husband is from Mexico and hasn't been home for over 6 years. He misses his mom and would like to visit her before she becomes ill because the years are passing quickly. Unfortunately, we haven't been there because of costs and his job, etc. He is a dreamer, I am not. He often talks about saving $30,000 and staying in Mexico for three months. On the outside, I am telling him how wonderful it sounds and how cool. On the inside, I am telling him how unrealistic it is and how could we ever pull it off. I do this, because I received some great advice from my brother. He said, "Never mock your spouses dreams". He is a psychology major so I am sure he read Gottman also. He reminded me that even though it may never happen, the last thing I want to do is put resentment in his heart because I don't support his dreams.
Here is what Gottman says:

A gospel perspective:
I really enjoyed this talk about what happens when we lose our dreams.
The Pitfalls of Parallel Marriage

Week 8: Managing Conflict, Concecrating Ourselves ...

Goddard:
What are you willing to sacrifice? As I read the chapter in the "Drawing heaven into your marriage", by Goddard. This phrase kept popping into my head. He spoke of the early saints who would give their "abundance" and it wasn't the best of what they had, it was pretty close to the worst. I thought of what part of myself I give to my husband. I dedicate 100% of my best self to my children, to my studies, and to my calling. What is left over for him? He gets the nagging, crying, grumpy part of me. It is easy to do this because I know we have a love that is strong, but what am I showing him when I do this? I am not conveying the message to him that he is the number one most important thing in my life. I also am taking advantage of the fact that I know he loves me unconditionally. I am working to change this pattern. I found a talk which helps explain why is it important to build a place of love for our marriages and families.

Gottman:

Conflict in Marriage

Two types of conflict in marriage:
1. Perpetual problems - Conflicts that a couple will deal with over and over again throughout their 
                                      marriage.
                                      Signs of gridlock -
                                      a. The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
                                      b. You keep talking about it, but make no headway.
                                      c. You are unwilling to budge.
                                      d. When it is discussed, you are more frustrated and hurt.
2. Solvable problems -  Relatively more simple, but can still cause a great deal of pain.

How to handle a disagreement:
1. Soft startup
2. Effective use of repair attempts.
3. Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for signs of flooding.
4. Learn how to compromise.
5. Become more tolerant of each other's imperfections.

Your future can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be 

very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control. ~Gottman

3. We often miss each other's repair attempts. Here is a list of scripted repair attempts couples use     

    when they are learning how to resolve conflicts.

Gospel perspective:

Here is a link to a talk which speaks about conflict. 

Winning the Argument or Solving the Problem. Which do you Want?

Week 7 - Beware of Pride

Goddard:
As I pondered the talks by President Benson and President Uchtdorf, I thought of my own marriage and what brings contention between us. It is pride, when one or both of us starts putting our own needs before the others, we falter. The little things that normally don't bother us do and if we let it go on long enough, we can even begin to doubt why we are in the marriage in the first place. One of the things that struck me the most frightening the reading this week was when Goddard spoke of how we rewrite history. We begin to see the person in a whole different light and forget why we love them and all of the qualities we married them for. It is easy to travel down this road, the natural man will whisper to you that it is not fair, that your spouse doesn't think of you enough, that they should do more for you. It never quite understands how we can find true happiness by letting go of selfishness and pride and putting our spouses needs ahead of our own. The natural man can't fathom how when we do this, something amazing happens, our spouse will begin to do the same for us. They feel love and acceptance which causes them to let go of their own pride and focus on us. 

It reminds me of the pride cycle. If we let pride seep into our marriage, we fall, wickedness could be the fights, the contention, criticism, the silent treatments, etc which causes us to suffer. This causes anguish, it can bring the strongest person down into the depths of despair. Luckily, the Lord has provided a way to repent and if we do so and humble ourselves, our marriage will improve once more. We must learn to live the the Righteousness Cycle. This brings to pass blessings and peace. We can remember our spouses as we remember God. When we focus on their good qualities and put them before ourselves, the Lord will bless us and we will find peace and happiness.

** I had an interesting experience reading chapter 4, "Repentance and Humility", in "Drawing Heaven into our Marriage", by Goddard. Throughout the whole chapter, I am embarrassed to admit that I kept thinking how much my husband needed to read the chapter also. When I read the Postscript, I was truly humbled. It said, "If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to RE-READ the chapter with yourself in mind." I did just that and I was able to see where I needed improvement and how I need to focus on myself and not my husband.

 Gottman:

 I used the meme above because it is amusing and it reminded me of how Gottman spoke about how when he spoke of the concept, let your partner influence you, it focused more on the husband so many began to poke fun at it. It is an example of how the world has a hard time seeing spiritual things. I looked back on my marriage and realized how blessed I was when I read this chapter. My husband and I have always consulted each other on the big decisions and even the small ones.I am grateful he values my opinion as I do his. I feel it has helped us grow closer and for me, has helped me through the tough times in our marriage. 
It has helped us through times of trial also. We have learned to work together so when the tough times come upon us, we are able to overcome them. I would implore all couples to learn to be influenced by your spouse. By doing so, you will not only improve your marriage, but you will learn more of them and make them feel valuable.