Week 8: Managing Conflict, Concecrating Ourselves ...

Goddard:
What are you willing to sacrifice? As I read the chapter in the "Drawing heaven into your marriage", by Goddard. This phrase kept popping into my head. He spoke of the early saints who would give their "abundance" and it wasn't the best of what they had, it was pretty close to the worst. I thought of what part of myself I give to my husband. I dedicate 100% of my best self to my children, to my studies, and to my calling. What is left over for him? He gets the nagging, crying, grumpy part of me. It is easy to do this because I know we have a love that is strong, but what am I showing him when I do this? I am not conveying the message to him that he is the number one most important thing in my life. I also am taking advantage of the fact that I know he loves me unconditionally. I am working to change this pattern. I found a talk which helps explain why is it important to build a place of love for our marriages and families.

Gottman:

Conflict in Marriage

Two types of conflict in marriage:
1. Perpetual problems - Conflicts that a couple will deal with over and over again throughout their 
                                      marriage.
                                      Signs of gridlock -
                                      a. The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
                                      b. You keep talking about it, but make no headway.
                                      c. You are unwilling to budge.
                                      d. When it is discussed, you are more frustrated and hurt.
2. Solvable problems -  Relatively more simple, but can still cause a great deal of pain.

How to handle a disagreement:
1. Soft startup
2. Effective use of repair attempts.
3. Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for signs of flooding.
4. Learn how to compromise.
5. Become more tolerant of each other's imperfections.

Your future can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be 

very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control. ~Gottman

3. We often miss each other's repair attempts. Here is a list of scripted repair attempts couples use     

    when they are learning how to resolve conflicts.

Gospel perspective:

Here is a link to a talk which speaks about conflict. 

Winning the Argument or Solving the Problem. Which do you Want?