Week 5 - Cherishing your spouse ...

I wanted to start out this week with a review of the four horsemen that Dr. Gottman states are a predictor of divorce. They are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Please watch the following videos for examples of each.

 

Now each of, I am sure has let each of these enter our marriages, but we mustn't let it overrun the marriage. This can be accomplished by nurturing our relationship and beginning to cherish our spouse as we once did. There had to be love there at sometimes, why else why would have gotten married. The stresses and worries of life such as bills, jobs, kids, etc. kind of sneak in and take over. 

I really like how Gottman explains it in this video here.

In the second video he gives us seven steps to a happy marriage. What I like is they really are simple and things we should be doing anyway. I know that as I have put these practices to work in my own marriage, I have seen it make a huge difference. The last couple of weeks have been a little shaky. I have my own problems with negative thoughts and sometimes project them onto others, especially my husband. This has caused contentions because I will take things he says and take them completely out of context and become upset for no reason. At times, I have felt very alone because of it. This week's activities have been an amazing experience. The activities I have done alone and those we have done together have brought us so much closer. I have realized how truly blessed I am and how I really need to learn to kick the negativity out of my own head. I would like to share a couple of them that I have felt have helped me the most and I would recommend anyone who is having a hard time in their marriage to do them.

Fondness and Admiration Questionnaire:

According to our research, fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Getting through stressful times and managing conflict is much easier if you and your partner regularly shows how highly you value each other! The following questions have been designed by Dr. Gottman to assess the current level of fondness and admiration that exists in your relationship. On a sheet of paper, please answer T for true and F for false. 

1. I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner. T F
2. When we are apart, I often think fondly about my partner. T F
3. I will often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.” T F
4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. T F 
5. My partner really respects me. T F 
6. I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. T F
7. I feel accepted and liked by my partner. T F 
8. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. T F 
9. My partner turns me on sexually. T F 
10. There is fire and passion in this relationship. T F
11. Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. T F
12. I am really proud of my partner. T F 
13. My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments. T F 
14. I can easily tell you why I started dating my partner. T F 
15. If I had it all over again, I would date the same person. T F 
16. We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection. T F 
17. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. T F 
18. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship. T F 
19. My partner generally likes my personality. T F
20. Our sex life is generally satisfying. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each true answer.

10 or above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. Because you value each other highly, you have a shield that can protect your relationship from being overwhelmed by any negativity that also exists between you. Although it might seem obvious to you that people who are in love have a high regard for each other, its common for spouses to lose sight of some of their fondness and admiration over time. Remember that this fondness and admiration is a gift worth cherishing. Completing this exercise from time to time will help you reaffirm your positive feelings for each other. 

Below 10: Your relationship could stand some improvement in this area. Don’t be discouraged by a low score! There are many couples for whom the fondness and admiration system has not died but is buried under layers of negativity, hurt feelings, and betrayal. By reviving the positive feelings that still lie deep below, you can strengthen your bond enormously!

If your fondness and admiration for each other are being chipped away, the route to bringing them back always begins with realizing how valuable they are. Fondness and admiration are crucial to the long-term happiness of a relationship because they prevent contempt - a corrosive that, over time, breaks down the bond between partners - from becoming an overwhelming presence in your lives. The better in-touch you are with your deep positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to act contemptuous of your partner when you have a difference of opinion.

** I think I scored a 14 on this questionnaire and it was the first step in realizing that I have no reason to think as negatively as I do at times. This really put things into perspective for me because I realized most of the negativity that enters into our life in because of me. I am working on working on me so that I can be a better wife because I will love myself also.

I Appreciate Exercise:

From the list below, choose three items that you think are characteristic of your partner. If there are more than three, still select just three (you can choose another three if you decide to do this exercise again). Even if you can recall only one instance when your partner displayed this characteristic, you can choose it.

Loving, Sensitive, Brave, Intelligent, Thoughtful, Generous, Loyal, Truthful, Strong, Energetic, Sexy, Decisive, Creative, Imaginative, Fun, Attractive, Interesting, Supportive, Funny, Considerate, Affectionate, Organized, Resourceful, Athletic, Cheerful, Coordinated, Graceful, Elegant, Gracious, Playful, Caring, A great friend, Exciting, Full of plans, Shy, Vulnerable, Committed, Involved, Expressive, Active, Careful, Reserved, Adventurous, Receptive, Reliable, Responsible, Dependable, Nurturing, Warm, Virile, Kind, Gentle, Practical, Lusty, Witty, Relaxed, Beautiful, Handsome, Rich, Calm, Lively, A great partner, A great parent, Assertive, Protective, Sweet, Tender, Powerful, Flexible, Understanding, Totally silly…

For each item you chose, briefly think of an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic of your partner. Write about it in your notebook or journal as follows:

1. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident: 

___________________________________________

2. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident:

___________________________________________
 

3. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident: 

___________________________________________

Now share your list with your partner. Let him or her know what it is about these traits that you value so highly.

**This also helped strengthen us so much. As I prepared for the activity, so many memories flooded back, things I hadn't thought about in so long. Most were from the beginning of our marriage before all of the stress, kids, and financial obligations. It was fun to remember how we once were and exciting to feel we may gain some of that back.

Gospel Perspective:
Our Perfect Example by Henry B. Eyering

I am so grateful for the experiences I have had this week. I hope all of those who are struggling in their marriage will look at these activities and do them seriously and with intent. I know they will help you as they have helped me.

Additional resources:
Gottman Activities Workbook

References:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, 1999

Week 4 - Behaviors That Negatively Affect Marriage ...

This pretty sums up the week I had as I studied the Gottman theories. I found them very interesting and enlightening, but they also were a warning. Negativity creeps in so easily and before we know it, we have lost an entire week because we were so focused on our own pride. When I first started reading about the four horsemen, it made me really nervous. I could see where my husband and I used the elements (criticism, complaining, contempt, and stonewalling) a lot of the time. I also saw how I instigate so many of our fights because I let my own securities cause the true message of his words become discombobulated and misunderstood. This leads me to become offended and demanding an apology. My husband has backed down to this for so long that he is tired and rarely gives in now. This makes me even more upset and I experience flooding and breakdown. Seeing it truly and analyzing my actions and the outcomes of those actions has given me a new perspective and something to work on for myself.
Don't worry. The picture is much less bleak than I painted it. These fights are few and far between, but I am grateful they happened this week. The assignments given helped me to take a step back and really see my part of it all and I gained a greater understanding of where I need to improve.

As I read the first few chapters of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John M. Gottman I was reminded of these two kids. They were so young and were best friends. They would talk for hours and shared everything with each other. One of my favorite things that Gottman spoke about and what I feel has helped us so much in our marriage is being good friends. When you have that friendship, when the hurts happen (and they do), they are much less painful because you have good memories and good experiences to override the negativity. If we let our friendship dwindle and there is more negativity than positivity, it is really hard to hold onto the good times. As I read the chapters, I realized how much I rely on those good times. Even when the pressures of a mortgage, kids, school, work, and everything cause us to lash out at each other, we can get over it quickly because we have a deep rooted love that began with a strong friendship.

One of my most favorite parts of these chapter were when Gottman spoke about myths. Here are a few that he explained why they just weren't true.
1.  Neurosee and personality problems ruin marriage.
*We all have our little quirks, but that doesn't mean that we can't succeed at love.
2.  Common interests keep you together.
*I really liked this one because I have always worried that my husband and I don't have a hobby together. We have tried, but we really don't enjoy the same things. He loves golf, and is very good at it, I have a hard time enjoying the silent monotony. I love baseball, but they played it very differently in Mexico and doesn't like our version. This helped me realize we don't have to have something that we do specifically together to stay together.
3. You scratch my back and ...
*I have never liked the idea of trying to measure what one does in comparison to the other. I believe you should just do it without thought of receiving anything in return.
4.  Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.
*This taught me that you don't always have to sit down and hash it out. I have always been one  who believes the myth. My husband is one who feels you don't have to always confront every little thing. I liked how Gottman spoke of a couple who go and do their own thing when they are angry. I think that is a really good idea. Arguing rarely makes things better and usually brings things up from the past.
5.  Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
*I found this really interesting. Usually by the time the affair happens, the marriage has been in
trouble for some time. The person who has the affair is usually looking for companionship and
attention.
6.  Men are not "biologically" built for marriage.
*I agreed with Gottman because he said that the biggest reason that men had the affairs was they
were the ones outside of the home. Now that more women are working outside of the home, the number of women having affairs has actually exceeded those of men having affairs.
7.  Men and women are from different planets.
*Gottman said thinking that men and women are so different that they will never understand each
other is actually part of the problem. "Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don't cause them.

I feel at times we let these myths get in the way of really enjoying our marriage and appreciating it for what it is. I do, so many times I work myself up because my marriage isn't fitting into the mold I feel it should. Reading these myths helped me realize I need to calm down and enjoy my marriage for what it is.

A Gospel Perspective:
 Don't let negativism ruin your marriage.

This talk explains perfectly the material we read this week. It talks about how we can take completely forget about the good things in our spouse if we allow the negativity take over. 

Week 3 - Doctrines of Eternal Marriage

This has been one of my favorite weeks so far. I loved the reading material and I felt so blessed to be able to be going to a school where not only am I able to pursue my degree and further my education, but I am able to feel the spirit.

The talk that really struck me was "Covenant Marriage", by Bruce C. Hafen, one particular part really touched my heart, he stated:

Another bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.







This rung truth in my ears because I have lived it. In the 12 years of our marriage, I feel we have gone through ups and downs because we begin to forget how to be covenant companions. It is easy to fall into Satan's trap and hear the whisperings of the world that tell you that you should only look out for yourself and that your spouse doesn't really love you because they aren't showering you with the love, affection, and gifts that you need or deserve. This is a slippery slope and it usually ends up leaving you unhappy and if you are not careful, divorced. I have seen the affects of giving your whole self to your spouse in my own marriage and I have seen the affects of selfishness. I am so amazed by how much someone can change for the better when we strive to live for their happiness. They begin to do the same, our happiness becomes equally important to them. We then can begin to build or rebuild the relationship and make our marriage a celestial one where we are constantly remembering the covenants and promises we made in the temple.

President Benson's talk was a real eye opener and made me think how I am teaching my own children about the temple. I loved the stories he shared of his mother and how she had spoke to him about the temple. He spoke of his mother preparing for the temple in the talk, "What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children About the Temple." He stated, "Then she put the old flatiron on the stove, drew a chair close to mine, and told me about temple work—how important it is to be able to go to the temple and participate in the sacred ordinances performed there. She also expressed her fervent hope that some day her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren would have the opportunity to enjoy these priceless blessings." I can imagine those memories followed him throughout his life and were a foundation to make him the person he became. I hope and pray to do the same so that my own children may have a strong testimony of the temple and a desire to enter in.

Week 2 - Marriage Between One Man and One Woman

The Sanctity of Marriage Between a Man and a Woman …

As I was doing the reading for my class this week and writing working on the “Make the case for Marriage” assignment, I really liked the idea of sharing the reasons I found that marriage between a man and a woman is an essential part of our society and our eternal happiness.

Marriage not only links the man and the women, but it links them to their children.

*The world today is filled with uncertainty, fear, and a sense of loneliness. When children are raised in a home where there is unity, they are less likely to fall into vices such as alcohol, drugs, and gangs.

*I had a great experience in a class last year that helped me come to a realization about why marriage in families is so important. Children and parents that share a last name are able to form a strong bond and connection. I feel that the security children feel when they know they have a mom and dad who love each other so much and wanted them will not only bless them, but they will strengthen them in times of uncertainty.

The family is ordained of God.

*The family is central to the plan of happiness of our Heavenly Father. He sent us here to Earth to be tried and tested, but he did not leave us alone, he gave us families to give us strength and to work with to achieve the goal of eternal life.

*I feel that Heavenly Father gave us families so that we may have a support system here on earth. Our family also teaches us to be kind, patient, loving, and how to deal with different personalities. If you ask my 6 year old though, during a Family Home Evening she commented that my husband and I only had kids to help us clean the house. We had a great laugh and I words can not express how much I  love my family. They are my most treasured possession.

Marriage is linked to the sacred power of procreation. Only a man and a woman together can create life.

*The Lord gave us the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth and raise our families to be strong in the gospel.

*I remember these words when my husband and I were married and I was so excited to start a family with him. It took a few years, and we were not sure if it would happen, but I have been blessed with 5 beautiful children who bring joy and happiness to my life.

Strong families serve as the fundamental institution for passing on to the future generations the moral strengths, traditions, and values that sustain civilization.

*Families build strong communities, which is the foundation to a strong society.

*I feel this is one of great foundations to community that we are losing. Neighborhoods used to be filled with children playing and adults socializing. We have become so secluded in our own little worlds. I feel we need to get back to the day when we knew our neighbors and looked out for one another. Turn off the TV or the tablet and get outside. We had a sweet experience a couple of months ago. There is a very devout catholic family down the street who have four children. We were talking and I told her my major, which is Marriage and Family Studies. She loved that I was studying to strengthen the family. She also shared how since they are the only family on the block that God would send a good family to buy our house when it was put up for sale. It is amazing to me how Heavenly Father blesses us and others at the same time.

I have a strong testimony of the importance of marriage. Strong marriages between a man and a woman are the foundation to not only strengthening individuals, but whole societies. I am blessed to have been born into a strong family which gave me the example to follow to create a beautiful family of my own. 

We as a society and as individuals need to find the strength to support and stand up for marriage between a man and a woman. President Hinkley said it best in his book, “Standing for Something”, when he stated:

What we desperately need today on all fronts are leaders, men and women who are willing to stand for something.  We need people who are willing to stand up for decency, truth, integrity,

morality, and law and order even when it is unpopular to do so perhaps especially when it is unpopular to do so. Never before, at least not in our generation, have the forces of evil been so blatant, so brazen, so aggressive as they are at the present time. We are involved in an intense battle. It is a battle between right and wrong, [W]e desperately need men and women who, in

their individual spheres of influence, will stand for truth in a world of sophistry. We need moral men and women, people who stand on principle, to be involved in the political process. The weight of our stance may be enough to tip the scales in the direction of truth and right.

References:
1. Ryan T. Anderson. "Marriage: Where Do We Go From Here". www.nationalreviesw.com. September 2014  http://www.nationalreview.com/article/378538/marriage-where-do-we-go-here-ryan-t-anderson

2. Marshall Kirk and Erastes Pill. Guide Magazin "The Overhauling of Straight America" Guide Magazine http://library.gayhomeland.org/0018/EN/EN_Overhauling_Straight.htm November1987

3. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints newsroom. http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

4,  Warlde, Lynn D. The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman. June 2008. http://poseidon01.ssrn.com/delivery.php?ID=702000084013070010067111023076025065061037007020071061119067018014064114077102118101058020007125050109119007024114005119125011030071029038092100124007121007072024038042022097099023031082082026087009091003006007090089071101106099082007094025066066111&EXT=pdf

Week 1 -Divorce ...

Divorce ... Why has it become so commonplace?

We live in a world where everything is disposable, unfortunately that has included our commitments to our children and spouses. I love the quote above because it shows why more marriage and families succeeded and it was the level of commitment shown in those days. It has become so easy to just give up or to only focus on one's own needs. It reminded me of a radio show I heard the other morning coming home from dropping my kids off from school. Each week they have a segment called "Group Therapy". A caller emails or calls in with a question and they take answers from others and the radio hosts also give advice. There was a man who called in with his concern because he felt his wife wasn't intimate with him as many times as he would like so he was considering a divorce. The responses broke my heart. They were purely selfish. 100% of those who called in said he was perfectly entitled to be with someone who would satisfy his needs and if she couldn't, to divorce her. Not one thought of her, not one thought maybe she was tired from taking care of the household, the kids, and working full time. Not one person advised him to ask his wife what he could do for her so she would want to be closer to him. In one 5 minute segment of a radio show, one could see why marriages are failing all over the country. 

 This man could have greatly benefited from the counsel of Elder Dallin H. Oaks in his conference talk, "Divorce". He stated,

"Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache. A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce.  Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts."

 What can we do in our own marriages?

 With all of the chaos and stress in this world, it is easy to let it seep into our family life. This can cause other aspects of our lives seem more enjoyable and to bring greater happiness into our lives. I love how the quote above says we should love what we choose. I believe a great remedy to divorce is if the couple constantly reminded themselves and each other why they married each other in the first place. In the book, "Successful Marriages and Families, Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives", there is a really interesting chapter named, "Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out?". One of the things I found most intriguing is that is states that 75% of individuals who participated in a study who had once reported marital unhappiness were reported they were happy a few years later. I would hope that would give some hope to those who are considering divorce. If there is any glimmer of hope then work on it and don't give up.