Week 12 - In-law Relations

Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families:
Accepting and being accepted into our new families is one of the hardest challenges I feel in our marriages. My husband and I have had it pretty easy because we have lived far from our families for practically our whole marriage. It has been difficult because we miss the closeness, but it has helped us construct our own relationship and family. We have not had to deal with the struggles of pleasing both sides of the family. For example, I have one brother in particular who was not accepted at first because we come from a humble background and they are more affluent. They worried that their daughter would not enjoy the same amenities that she was accustomed to. I have always been impressed on how my brother handled the situation. He didn't let it allow him to have bitter feelings toward them. He continued to further his education and was able to get a good job where he can support his family and provide them not only the necessities of life, but many comforts also. This story could have had a different ending if he had not "killed them with kindness". They are very close and enjoy a healthy and happy relationship. 
We are instructed by the leaders of the church to become one with our spouses. We must still love and help our family of origin, but our spouse must become our first priority. My husband is from Mexico and there is a saying "se lava la ropa sucia en su propia casa", this means "One washes the dirty laundry in their own house". This is some of the best advice one can give a newly married couple. Marriage is a culture shock for sure. It is surprising how quickly the troubles come and soon the honeymoon is over. One of the worst things one can do is complain about their spouse to their family members. They often do not realize that they are only creating animosity towards their spouse. For example, if a new wife complains to her mom about how her husband treats her, when she is no longer angry, her mom will be. Without even realizing it, she has created tension between her husband and mom which may not easily prepared. The best thing we can do is try to work out problems alone and find an unbiased source of support if needed.

Here is a talk from the Ensign which is very informative:
The Principles of Marriage, Matthew O. Richardson, April 2005

Debt and Marriage:
Debt is one of the easiest ways to destroy a marriage. Credit cards, which are fairly easy to obtain, are the worst type. It is so easy to rack up thousands of dollars in small, seemingly harmless increments. Before you know it, you are only working to pay off the debt and have no extra money. This can put a marriage onto a dark path. When you are constrained by the bondage of debt, the stress can wreak havoc on a marriage. Here are a few steps on how to avoid debt.
1. Pay your tithing - this humbles us and helps us keep a healthy perspective about money.
2. Talk about finances with your spouse and set up a budget - Even if one of the spouses is very good with money, if the other is not, debt is still inevitable because one is always spending faster than the other can save. Discussing finances and keeping within a budget helps each of them concentrate on needs and not wants when spending the money.
3. Don't try to keep up with the Jones' - Wanting to have what others have when you can't afford it can lead us down a path of debt and destruction. My husband and I have tried very hard to live within our means. We only buy very used cars with cash and we save for our wants.
There are so many things we can do, but if we follow these three guidelines, we will manage our money wisely and stay out of debt.
Personal experience:
Last year my husband and I purchased our first home, we were very excited and decided to take the left over from our down payment and purchase brand, new furniture. We would look and search, but couldn't agree on anything.  This happened for over two weeks. We never had the chance to buy furniture because the basement main drain backed up and we were out $1200.00. We were so grateful we had not splurged as planned, but this left very little for us to buy furniture with. We had thrown out all of our furniture so we needed some quickly. We considered using credit to pay for it. It was not worth it to me, so I suggested we at least look at thrift stores. We went to the thrift store hoping to find something suitable. Thankfully, we found a great set for $175.00. This taught me a great lesson. We don't always need brand new for it to be nice and it is better to have money set aside for emergencies than for our wants. It also helped build my testimony of tithing. Heavenly Father has always blessed us that when the trials as these come in our lives, we have had the funds to pay for them. I know this is because we pay our tithing. I am trying to instill these same qualities in my children so they can live a happy life without the constraints of debt.

Gospel perspective:
The Dangers of Debt in Marriage, Rulon T. Burton, September 1984

Week 11 - Power Relations and Children ...

Power in our family relationships:
When we think of the word power, it invokes may different thoughts. For myself, I think of control, but I think of it with a gospel perspective it is not control, but teaching and sharing responsibilities.
We have a great responsibility to use make sure the power in relationships is used in a correct manner. First, the parents should be the leaders in the family. I love this quote by President Kimball.

 

 

Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him.  If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him

(Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).

 

I have always compared my relationship to my children to Heavenly Father's relationship with me. He gives me commandments and limits out of love so I do the same for my children. It is hard at times and sometimes you feel like you should give in because it is easier, but one must always remind themselves of their goals for their children. I want my children to be successful adults, capable of success in all of their endeavors and this will not happen if I give in to their every whim. This has been a struggle with my husband. The way children are disciplined is much different in his home life and culture than mine was. He also has hard time not giving into the cries of our children. Thankfully, as they have grown and he has seen the difference in how they act when we discipline them correctly from when we don't, he has come so far and now we work together for the benefit of our children.

 

Next, is the power in our marriage. Spouses are equal partners and each have different responsibilities. At times, as sad as it sounds, some men have decided that because they have the priesthood, it gives them power to control. The following talk from Elder Richard G. Scott gives a perfect outline of how a man should act as a priesthood leader in his own home.

Men are not always the guilty parties when it comes to control in marriage. Some wives try to control their husbands in aspects of finances, church attendance, etc. Most of the time, the only thing accomplished by this is pushing them away. I have learned this in my own marriage and have learned to allow my husband his agency as I want to be allowed mine. The following talk gives some great advice on how we can have a better marriage.

Marriage without manipulation. Larry K. Langlois 

 

Family Council: 

The great leaders of this church have provided us with a great example on how we should lead our families. When they meet together, the room is filled with the spirit and they don't allow contention to enter. When I have participated in my own family council and I have followed the guidelines they have provided, I have felt the spirit so strongly. I feel what brings it in most is the expression of love and gratitude that is done before starting. This softens our hearts and allows us to be open and honest, it also invites the spirit and allows the discussion to flow without guile or contention.

 

Here are the guidelines given to us in this course:

Characteristics of the council the brethren typically have each week in Salt Lake City:

1.     Regular time and place to meet (temple each Thursday morning)

2.     A meeting agenda distributed in advance of the meeting

3. Beginning with expressions of love and concern for each member, individually
4. Opening with prayer, inviting the Spirit to assist with the process
5. A member invited to initiate discussion of the item by defining the problem and current status of decisions, etc.
6. Opening for orderly discussion (one at a time, "additive" rather than corrective comments from each member in turn, etc.)
7. On-going, focused discussion until consensus is reached, under the clear influence of the Spirit (as opposed to compromise)
8. Moving forward with unity in accordance with the decision reached
9. Often a snack or other unifying tradition (The brethren often enjoy chocolates and pie when they meet in the temple!)
10. Follow-up discussions of results and progress toward determined outcome

  

I know that if we strive to live these principles and lead with love and appreciation in our homes, we will be more united and the bonds of love with be strengthened. My experience has taught me this and I have seen great changes in my relationships when I have done it in my own life. Last of all, I want to share a talk. Elder Eyering teaches us perfectly how we can be one in our marriages.

 

 

 

 

Week 10 - Transitions in Marriage - Fidelity and Physical Intimacy ...

One of the things that struck me most in this week's reading was the talk about emotional fidelity. It is so easy to become complacent in our relationships with the opposite sex. I, for example, have a friend who I have known since I was twelve. We have a undeniable connection and it is felt by everyone around us. I can remember one time, before we were married, my husband and I hung out with my friends and this one certain friend happened to be there. My husband became very annoyed at the way I was acting around my friend. I had never thought about how it looked before and I decided to always keep some distance from that certain friend because I knew my husband was the most important person in my life. It can be so easy to fall into the trap that it is all innocent and that it is just friendly, but we should always take into consideration how we may be causing our spouse to feel.

Here is a great talk that can help us understand why it is important to be completely loyal to our spouses in our marriage.
Fidelity in Marriage, It's more than you think ...

 

Often times when I think of pornography, I think of magazines filled with filth that are read by people in secret. The sad truth is that it is now everywhere. You can never be too careful either because it can pop up when you least expect it. For example, the other day my girls were watching Cinderella on a supposed family channel. I was cooking dinner and they ran in and told me that a really bad commercial just came on for a different show. I was taken back because I thought they would be safe. Needless to say, the channel was changed and they will no longer be watching any programs on this certain station. I think President Hinckley said it best in the following talk:

A Tragic Evil Among Us

I also believe the greatest gift we can give our children is a wonderful marriage. We also need to teach them about intimacy. The world views sex in a whole different light and if we are not careful, it will tell our kids what to think about it. I believe we should teach them that it is a wonderful experience that can be shared by two people who have kept themselves worth of it. I also don't want them to feel ashamed of it, but look forward to the day they can share the experience of it with their spouse. I know that it is so important to speak of chastity and purity, but this is so much more than just being abstinent, so we should make sure they know the difference.

Here is a great website that can be used as a reference for parents when wanting to teach their children about intimacy:
http://www.overcomingpornography.org/spouses-and-families/teaching-about-procreation-and-chastity?lang=eng

Week 9: Seeking to understand ...

Goddard:  
Charity in marriage
This had to be one of my favorite chapters. First we have to ask ourselves what is charity. If we look it up in the dictionary, the definition it gives us is; the voluntary giving of help, typically in the form of money, to those in need. I would like to expand it even further, I love what Elder Oaks says here:

This is what we have to do in marriage. We must become charity. It sounds odd, but by putting our spouses needs before our own and striving to serve them each day, we will become charity. Our marriage will become charity. We will have a happier home, happier children, and happier lives just by doing these little things everyday. It sounds simple enough, but it is actually very difficult. It is hard to give up oneself wholly, especially if we feel the other is not doing so. It is easy to fall into the trap of resentment and pettiness, but we must always look at our own hearts first. If we strive to make ourselves the best person we can be and focus on serving our spouse, we will be amazed at the changes that come about and how we will receive service and love from them.

Gospel perspective:
This is a wonderful story that explains perfectly what we need to do if we find ourselves struggling in our marriage.
Falling Out of Love ... and Climbing Back In

Goddart:

This chapter really struck me because how often do we "squash" each other's dreams? I will give you an example. My husband is from Mexico and hasn't been home for over 6 years. He misses his mom and would like to visit her before she becomes ill because the years are passing quickly. Unfortunately, we haven't been there because of costs and his job, etc. He is a dreamer, I am not. He often talks about saving $30,000 and staying in Mexico for three months. On the outside, I am telling him how wonderful it sounds and how cool. On the inside, I am telling him how unrealistic it is and how could we ever pull it off. I do this, because I received some great advice from my brother. He said, "Never mock your spouses dreams". He is a psychology major so I am sure he read Gottman also. He reminded me that even though it may never happen, the last thing I want to do is put resentment in his heart because I don't support his dreams.
Here is what Gottman says:

A gospel perspective:
I really enjoyed this talk about what happens when we lose our dreams.
The Pitfalls of Parallel Marriage

Week 8: Managing Conflict, Concecrating Ourselves ...

Goddard:
What are you willing to sacrifice? As I read the chapter in the "Drawing heaven into your marriage", by Goddard. This phrase kept popping into my head. He spoke of the early saints who would give their "abundance" and it wasn't the best of what they had, it was pretty close to the worst. I thought of what part of myself I give to my husband. I dedicate 100% of my best self to my children, to my studies, and to my calling. What is left over for him? He gets the nagging, crying, grumpy part of me. It is easy to do this because I know we have a love that is strong, but what am I showing him when I do this? I am not conveying the message to him that he is the number one most important thing in my life. I also am taking advantage of the fact that I know he loves me unconditionally. I am working to change this pattern. I found a talk which helps explain why is it important to build a place of love for our marriages and families.

Gottman:

Conflict in Marriage

Two types of conflict in marriage:
1. Perpetual problems - Conflicts that a couple will deal with over and over again throughout their 
                                      marriage.
                                      Signs of gridlock -
                                      a. The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
                                      b. You keep talking about it, but make no headway.
                                      c. You are unwilling to budge.
                                      d. When it is discussed, you are more frustrated and hurt.
2. Solvable problems -  Relatively more simple, but can still cause a great deal of pain.

How to handle a disagreement:
1. Soft startup
2. Effective use of repair attempts.
3. Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for signs of flooding.
4. Learn how to compromise.
5. Become more tolerant of each other's imperfections.

Your future can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be 

very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control. ~Gottman

3. We often miss each other's repair attempts. Here is a list of scripted repair attempts couples use     

    when they are learning how to resolve conflicts.

Gospel perspective:

Here is a link to a talk which speaks about conflict. 

Winning the Argument or Solving the Problem. Which do you Want?

Week 7 - Beware of Pride

Goddard:
As I pondered the talks by President Benson and President Uchtdorf, I thought of my own marriage and what brings contention between us. It is pride, when one or both of us starts putting our own needs before the others, we falter. The little things that normally don't bother us do and if we let it go on long enough, we can even begin to doubt why we are in the marriage in the first place. One of the things that struck me the most frightening the reading this week was when Goddard spoke of how we rewrite history. We begin to see the person in a whole different light and forget why we love them and all of the qualities we married them for. It is easy to travel down this road, the natural man will whisper to you that it is not fair, that your spouse doesn't think of you enough, that they should do more for you. It never quite understands how we can find true happiness by letting go of selfishness and pride and putting our spouses needs ahead of our own. The natural man can't fathom how when we do this, something amazing happens, our spouse will begin to do the same for us. They feel love and acceptance which causes them to let go of their own pride and focus on us. 

It reminds me of the pride cycle. If we let pride seep into our marriage, we fall, wickedness could be the fights, the contention, criticism, the silent treatments, etc which causes us to suffer. This causes anguish, it can bring the strongest person down into the depths of despair. Luckily, the Lord has provided a way to repent and if we do so and humble ourselves, our marriage will improve once more. We must learn to live the the Righteousness Cycle. This brings to pass blessings and peace. We can remember our spouses as we remember God. When we focus on their good qualities and put them before ourselves, the Lord will bless us and we will find peace and happiness.

** I had an interesting experience reading chapter 4, "Repentance and Humility", in "Drawing Heaven into our Marriage", by Goddard. Throughout the whole chapter, I am embarrassed to admit that I kept thinking how much my husband needed to read the chapter also. When I read the Postscript, I was truly humbled. It said, "If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to RE-READ the chapter with yourself in mind." I did just that and I was able to see where I needed improvement and how I need to focus on myself and not my husband.

 Gottman:

 I used the meme above because it is amusing and it reminded me of how Gottman spoke about how when he spoke of the concept, let your partner influence you, it focused more on the husband so many began to poke fun at it. It is an example of how the world has a hard time seeing spiritual things. I looked back on my marriage and realized how blessed I was when I read this chapter. My husband and I have always consulted each other on the big decisions and even the small ones.I am grateful he values my opinion as I do his. I feel it has helped us grow closer and for me, has helped me through the tough times in our marriage. 
It has helped us through times of trial also. We have learned to work together so when the tough times come upon us, we are able to overcome them. I would implore all couples to learn to be influenced by your spouse. By doing so, you will not only improve your marriage, but you will learn more of them and make them feel valuable.

Week 6 - Staying Emotionally Connected ...

When I hear the words "staying emotionally connected", I think of romantic dates, roses, and gifts. When you have been married for 12 years and have 5 children that is all hard to come by. It can be disheartening, but if you read Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", you can find hope. I really like how romance can grow in simple ways. Gottman states, "As comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, 'Are we out of bleach?' and the husband says, 'I don't know. Let me go get some just in case,' instead of shrugging apathetically." This shows he is interested in what his wife worries about and her love for him grows. It is the little, mundane things we do everyday that help keep the romance alive in our relationship.
                           As I think about this I am reminded of a quote by President Hinckley

We are surrounded everyday of images in the media that would suggest happiness in marriage relationships, or any romantic relationship for that matter, has to be filled with exciting romantic gestures and a grand show of proclaiming our love. If we are lucky, we will realize that true love isn't glamorous or exciting. It is comfortable and familiar. It is worrying about children and each other. It is being best friends and always relying on one another.

We can do this by turning towards each other instead of away. Here are a few exercises that can help you along the way.

Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?
To get a good sense of how your relationship is faring (or is likely to fare in the future) in the romance department, answer the following questions. Read each statement and circle T for “true” and F for “false”

1. We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. T F
2. I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. T F
3. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. T F
4. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. T F
5. I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. T F
6. My partner is one of my best friends. T F
7. I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. T F
8. We just love talking to each other. T F
9. When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. T F
10. We always have a lot to say to each other. T F
11. We have a lot of fun together. T F
12. We are spiritually very compatible. T F
13. We tend to share the same basic values. T F
14. We like to spend time together in similar ways. T F
15. We really have a lot of common interests. T F
16. We have many of the same dreams and goals. T F
17. We like to do a lot of the same things. T F
18. Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests. T F
19. Whatever we do together, we usually have a good time. T F
20. My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
10 or above: Congratulations! This is an area of strength in your marriage. Because you are so often “there” for each other during the minor events in your lives, you have built up a hefty emotional bank account that will support you over any rough patches in your marriage (and keep many at bay). It’s those little moments that you rarely think about – when you’re shopping at the supermarket, folding laundry, or having a quick catch-up call while you’re both still at work –that make up the heart and soul of a marriage. Having a surplus in your emotional bank account is what makes romance last and gets you through hard times, bad moods, and major life changes.

Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. By learning to turn toward each other more during the minor moments in your day, you will make your marriage not only more stable but more romantic. Every time you make the effort to listen and respond to what your spouse says, to help him or her, you make your marriage a little better.


Stress Reducing Exercise:

DO:                                                                                  
1. Take Turns                                                                    
2. Don't give unsolicited advice
3. Show genuine interst
4. Communicate your understanding
5. Take your spouse's side
6. Express a "we against others' attitude
7. Express affection
8. Validate emotion        

As we do these, we will turn toward each other and grow closer together. If it has been a while, it may take practice, but it will come. Have discussions with each other often and try to connect each day. For myself, it is easiest for my husband and I to do over dinner. I think it also helps the children to see us connecting each day and to be part of the conversation.

Another way to stay connected is to have shared meaning in our life. We should set aside time often to talk about our goals, this includes personal, family, and marriage goals. It is always good to have family rituals and traditions. This has helped my family stay close. We live in a different state from either side of the family. It feels lonely at times, but we have kept it away by setting up little traditions in our home. We celebrate birthdays by doing a fun activity together. My husband and I have a quiet breakfast together each day because he works nights. It is a nice time to enjoy the quiet together while kids are at school and reconnect.

A gospel perspective:

I know as we do these, we will grow closer together. We must let go in the idea that true romance is grand gestures and take pleasure in the small, everyday things. As I have taken account of how my husband and I turn toward each other, I have seen the little ways he shows his love and have realized that what I may perceive as lack of concern, is just him being busy and worrying about other things. I have come to realize that as I become a comfort and a help mate, he will turn toward me instead of away.