Week 12 - In-law Relations

Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families:
Accepting and being accepted into our new families is one of the hardest challenges I feel in our marriages. My husband and I have had it pretty easy because we have lived far from our families for practically our whole marriage. It has been difficult because we miss the closeness, but it has helped us construct our own relationship and family. We have not had to deal with the struggles of pleasing both sides of the family. For example, I have one brother in particular who was not accepted at first because we come from a humble background and they are more affluent. They worried that their daughter would not enjoy the same amenities that she was accustomed to. I have always been impressed on how my brother handled the situation. He didn't let it allow him to have bitter feelings toward them. He continued to further his education and was able to get a good job where he can support his family and provide them not only the necessities of life, but many comforts also. This story could have had a different ending if he had not "killed them with kindness". They are very close and enjoy a healthy and happy relationship. 
We are instructed by the leaders of the church to become one with our spouses. We must still love and help our family of origin, but our spouse must become our first priority. My husband is from Mexico and there is a saying "se lava la ropa sucia en su propia casa", this means "One washes the dirty laundry in their own house". This is some of the best advice one can give a newly married couple. Marriage is a culture shock for sure. It is surprising how quickly the troubles come and soon the honeymoon is over. One of the worst things one can do is complain about their spouse to their family members. They often do not realize that they are only creating animosity towards their spouse. For example, if a new wife complains to her mom about how her husband treats her, when she is no longer angry, her mom will be. Without even realizing it, she has created tension between her husband and mom which may not easily prepared. The best thing we can do is try to work out problems alone and find an unbiased source of support if needed.

Here is a talk from the Ensign which is very informative:
The Principles of Marriage, Matthew O. Richardson, April 2005

Debt and Marriage:
Debt is one of the easiest ways to destroy a marriage. Credit cards, which are fairly easy to obtain, are the worst type. It is so easy to rack up thousands of dollars in small, seemingly harmless increments. Before you know it, you are only working to pay off the debt and have no extra money. This can put a marriage onto a dark path. When you are constrained by the bondage of debt, the stress can wreak havoc on a marriage. Here are a few steps on how to avoid debt.
1. Pay your tithing - this humbles us and helps us keep a healthy perspective about money.
2. Talk about finances with your spouse and set up a budget - Even if one of the spouses is very good with money, if the other is not, debt is still inevitable because one is always spending faster than the other can save. Discussing finances and keeping within a budget helps each of them concentrate on needs and not wants when spending the money.
3. Don't try to keep up with the Jones' - Wanting to have what others have when you can't afford it can lead us down a path of debt and destruction. My husband and I have tried very hard to live within our means. We only buy very used cars with cash and we save for our wants.
There are so many things we can do, but if we follow these three guidelines, we will manage our money wisely and stay out of debt.
Personal experience:
Last year my husband and I purchased our first home, we were very excited and decided to take the left over from our down payment and purchase brand, new furniture. We would look and search, but couldn't agree on anything.  This happened for over two weeks. We never had the chance to buy furniture because the basement main drain backed up and we were out $1200.00. We were so grateful we had not splurged as planned, but this left very little for us to buy furniture with. We had thrown out all of our furniture so we needed some quickly. We considered using credit to pay for it. It was not worth it to me, so I suggested we at least look at thrift stores. We went to the thrift store hoping to find something suitable. Thankfully, we found a great set for $175.00. This taught me a great lesson. We don't always need brand new for it to be nice and it is better to have money set aside for emergencies than for our wants. It also helped build my testimony of tithing. Heavenly Father has always blessed us that when the trials as these come in our lives, we have had the funds to pay for them. I know this is because we pay our tithing. I am trying to instill these same qualities in my children so they can live a happy life without the constraints of debt.

Gospel perspective:
The Dangers of Debt in Marriage, Rulon T. Burton, September 1984

Week 11 - Power Relations and Children ...

Power in our family relationships:
When we think of the word power, it invokes may different thoughts. For myself, I think of control, but I think of it with a gospel perspective it is not control, but teaching and sharing responsibilities.
We have a great responsibility to use make sure the power in relationships is used in a correct manner. First, the parents should be the leaders in the family. I love this quote by President Kimball.

 

 

Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him.  If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him

(Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).

 

I have always compared my relationship to my children to Heavenly Father's relationship with me. He gives me commandments and limits out of love so I do the same for my children. It is hard at times and sometimes you feel like you should give in because it is easier, but one must always remind themselves of their goals for their children. I want my children to be successful adults, capable of success in all of their endeavors and this will not happen if I give in to their every whim. This has been a struggle with my husband. The way children are disciplined is much different in his home life and culture than mine was. He also has hard time not giving into the cries of our children. Thankfully, as they have grown and he has seen the difference in how they act when we discipline them correctly from when we don't, he has come so far and now we work together for the benefit of our children.

 

Next, is the power in our marriage. Spouses are equal partners and each have different responsibilities. At times, as sad as it sounds, some men have decided that because they have the priesthood, it gives them power to control. The following talk from Elder Richard G. Scott gives a perfect outline of how a man should act as a priesthood leader in his own home.

Men are not always the guilty parties when it comes to control in marriage. Some wives try to control their husbands in aspects of finances, church attendance, etc. Most of the time, the only thing accomplished by this is pushing them away. I have learned this in my own marriage and have learned to allow my husband his agency as I want to be allowed mine. The following talk gives some great advice on how we can have a better marriage.

Marriage without manipulation. Larry K. Langlois 

 

Family Council: 

The great leaders of this church have provided us with a great example on how we should lead our families. When they meet together, the room is filled with the spirit and they don't allow contention to enter. When I have participated in my own family council and I have followed the guidelines they have provided, I have felt the spirit so strongly. I feel what brings it in most is the expression of love and gratitude that is done before starting. This softens our hearts and allows us to be open and honest, it also invites the spirit and allows the discussion to flow without guile or contention.

 

Here are the guidelines given to us in this course:

Characteristics of the council the brethren typically have each week in Salt Lake City:

1.     Regular time and place to meet (temple each Thursday morning)

2.     A meeting agenda distributed in advance of the meeting

3. Beginning with expressions of love and concern for each member, individually
4. Opening with prayer, inviting the Spirit to assist with the process
5. A member invited to initiate discussion of the item by defining the problem and current status of decisions, etc.
6. Opening for orderly discussion (one at a time, "additive" rather than corrective comments from each member in turn, etc.)
7. On-going, focused discussion until consensus is reached, under the clear influence of the Spirit (as opposed to compromise)
8. Moving forward with unity in accordance with the decision reached
9. Often a snack or other unifying tradition (The brethren often enjoy chocolates and pie when they meet in the temple!)
10. Follow-up discussions of results and progress toward determined outcome

  

I know that if we strive to live these principles and lead with love and appreciation in our homes, we will be more united and the bonds of love with be strengthened. My experience has taught me this and I have seen great changes in my relationships when I have done it in my own life. Last of all, I want to share a talk. Elder Eyering teaches us perfectly how we can be one in our marriages.

 

 

 

 

Week 10 - Transitions in Marriage - Fidelity and Physical Intimacy ...

One of the things that struck me most in this week's reading was the talk about emotional fidelity. It is so easy to become complacent in our relationships with the opposite sex. I, for example, have a friend who I have known since I was twelve. We have a undeniable connection and it is felt by everyone around us. I can remember one time, before we were married, my husband and I hung out with my friends and this one certain friend happened to be there. My husband became very annoyed at the way I was acting around my friend. I had never thought about how it looked before and I decided to always keep some distance from that certain friend because I knew my husband was the most important person in my life. It can be so easy to fall into the trap that it is all innocent and that it is just friendly, but we should always take into consideration how we may be causing our spouse to feel.

Here is a great talk that can help us understand why it is important to be completely loyal to our spouses in our marriage.
Fidelity in Marriage, It's more than you think ...

 

Often times when I think of pornography, I think of magazines filled with filth that are read by people in secret. The sad truth is that it is now everywhere. You can never be too careful either because it can pop up when you least expect it. For example, the other day my girls were watching Cinderella on a supposed family channel. I was cooking dinner and they ran in and told me that a really bad commercial just came on for a different show. I was taken back because I thought they would be safe. Needless to say, the channel was changed and they will no longer be watching any programs on this certain station. I think President Hinckley said it best in the following talk:

A Tragic Evil Among Us

I also believe the greatest gift we can give our children is a wonderful marriage. We also need to teach them about intimacy. The world views sex in a whole different light and if we are not careful, it will tell our kids what to think about it. I believe we should teach them that it is a wonderful experience that can be shared by two people who have kept themselves worth of it. I also don't want them to feel ashamed of it, but look forward to the day they can share the experience of it with their spouse. I know that it is so important to speak of chastity and purity, but this is so much more than just being abstinent, so we should make sure they know the difference.

Here is a great website that can be used as a reference for parents when wanting to teach their children about intimacy:
http://www.overcomingpornography.org/spouses-and-families/teaching-about-procreation-and-chastity?lang=eng

Week 9: Seeking to understand ...

Goddard:  
Charity in marriage
This had to be one of my favorite chapters. First we have to ask ourselves what is charity. If we look it up in the dictionary, the definition it gives us is; the voluntary giving of help, typically in the form of money, to those in need. I would like to expand it even further, I love what Elder Oaks says here:

This is what we have to do in marriage. We must become charity. It sounds odd, but by putting our spouses needs before our own and striving to serve them each day, we will become charity. Our marriage will become charity. We will have a happier home, happier children, and happier lives just by doing these little things everyday. It sounds simple enough, but it is actually very difficult. It is hard to give up oneself wholly, especially if we feel the other is not doing so. It is easy to fall into the trap of resentment and pettiness, but we must always look at our own hearts first. If we strive to make ourselves the best person we can be and focus on serving our spouse, we will be amazed at the changes that come about and how we will receive service and love from them.

Gospel perspective:
This is a wonderful story that explains perfectly what we need to do if we find ourselves struggling in our marriage.
Falling Out of Love ... and Climbing Back In

Goddart:

This chapter really struck me because how often do we "squash" each other's dreams? I will give you an example. My husband is from Mexico and hasn't been home for over 6 years. He misses his mom and would like to visit her before she becomes ill because the years are passing quickly. Unfortunately, we haven't been there because of costs and his job, etc. He is a dreamer, I am not. He often talks about saving $30,000 and staying in Mexico for three months. On the outside, I am telling him how wonderful it sounds and how cool. On the inside, I am telling him how unrealistic it is and how could we ever pull it off. I do this, because I received some great advice from my brother. He said, "Never mock your spouses dreams". He is a psychology major so I am sure he read Gottman also. He reminded me that even though it may never happen, the last thing I want to do is put resentment in his heart because I don't support his dreams.
Here is what Gottman says:

A gospel perspective:
I really enjoyed this talk about what happens when we lose our dreams.
The Pitfalls of Parallel Marriage

Week 8: Managing Conflict, Concecrating Ourselves ...

Goddard:
What are you willing to sacrifice? As I read the chapter in the "Drawing heaven into your marriage", by Goddard. This phrase kept popping into my head. He spoke of the early saints who would give their "abundance" and it wasn't the best of what they had, it was pretty close to the worst. I thought of what part of myself I give to my husband. I dedicate 100% of my best self to my children, to my studies, and to my calling. What is left over for him? He gets the nagging, crying, grumpy part of me. It is easy to do this because I know we have a love that is strong, but what am I showing him when I do this? I am not conveying the message to him that he is the number one most important thing in my life. I also am taking advantage of the fact that I know he loves me unconditionally. I am working to change this pattern. I found a talk which helps explain why is it important to build a place of love for our marriages and families.

Gottman:

Conflict in Marriage

Two types of conflict in marriage:
1. Perpetual problems - Conflicts that a couple will deal with over and over again throughout their 
                                      marriage.
                                      Signs of gridlock -
                                      a. The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
                                      b. You keep talking about it, but make no headway.
                                      c. You are unwilling to budge.
                                      d. When it is discussed, you are more frustrated and hurt.
2. Solvable problems -  Relatively more simple, but can still cause a great deal of pain.

How to handle a disagreement:
1. Soft startup
2. Effective use of repair attempts.
3. Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for signs of flooding.
4. Learn how to compromise.
5. Become more tolerant of each other's imperfections.

Your future can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be 

very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control. ~Gottman

3. We often miss each other's repair attempts. Here is a list of scripted repair attempts couples use     

    when they are learning how to resolve conflicts.

Gospel perspective:

Here is a link to a talk which speaks about conflict. 

Winning the Argument or Solving the Problem. Which do you Want?

Week 7 - Beware of Pride

Goddard:
As I pondered the talks by President Benson and President Uchtdorf, I thought of my own marriage and what brings contention between us. It is pride, when one or both of us starts putting our own needs before the others, we falter. The little things that normally don't bother us do and if we let it go on long enough, we can even begin to doubt why we are in the marriage in the first place. One of the things that struck me the most frightening the reading this week was when Goddard spoke of how we rewrite history. We begin to see the person in a whole different light and forget why we love them and all of the qualities we married them for. It is easy to travel down this road, the natural man will whisper to you that it is not fair, that your spouse doesn't think of you enough, that they should do more for you. It never quite understands how we can find true happiness by letting go of selfishness and pride and putting our spouses needs ahead of our own. The natural man can't fathom how when we do this, something amazing happens, our spouse will begin to do the same for us. They feel love and acceptance which causes them to let go of their own pride and focus on us. 

It reminds me of the pride cycle. If we let pride seep into our marriage, we fall, wickedness could be the fights, the contention, criticism, the silent treatments, etc which causes us to suffer. This causes anguish, it can bring the strongest person down into the depths of despair. Luckily, the Lord has provided a way to repent and if we do so and humble ourselves, our marriage will improve once more. We must learn to live the the Righteousness Cycle. This brings to pass blessings and peace. We can remember our spouses as we remember God. When we focus on their good qualities and put them before ourselves, the Lord will bless us and we will find peace and happiness.

** I had an interesting experience reading chapter 4, "Repentance and Humility", in "Drawing Heaven into our Marriage", by Goddard. Throughout the whole chapter, I am embarrassed to admit that I kept thinking how much my husband needed to read the chapter also. When I read the Postscript, I was truly humbled. It said, "If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to RE-READ the chapter with yourself in mind." I did just that and I was able to see where I needed improvement and how I need to focus on myself and not my husband.

 Gottman:

 I used the meme above because it is amusing and it reminded me of how Gottman spoke about how when he spoke of the concept, let your partner influence you, it focused more on the husband so many began to poke fun at it. It is an example of how the world has a hard time seeing spiritual things. I looked back on my marriage and realized how blessed I was when I read this chapter. My husband and I have always consulted each other on the big decisions and even the small ones.I am grateful he values my opinion as I do his. I feel it has helped us grow closer and for me, has helped me through the tough times in our marriage. 
It has helped us through times of trial also. We have learned to work together so when the tough times come upon us, we are able to overcome them. I would implore all couples to learn to be influenced by your spouse. By doing so, you will not only improve your marriage, but you will learn more of them and make them feel valuable.

Week 6 - Staying Emotionally Connected ...

When I hear the words "staying emotionally connected", I think of romantic dates, roses, and gifts. When you have been married for 12 years and have 5 children that is all hard to come by. It can be disheartening, but if you read Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", you can find hope. I really like how romance can grow in simple ways. Gottman states, "As comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in the supermarket and the wife says, 'Are we out of bleach?' and the husband says, 'I don't know. Let me go get some just in case,' instead of shrugging apathetically." This shows he is interested in what his wife worries about and her love for him grows. It is the little, mundane things we do everyday that help keep the romance alive in our relationship.
                           As I think about this I am reminded of a quote by President Hinckley

We are surrounded everyday of images in the media that would suggest happiness in marriage relationships, or any romantic relationship for that matter, has to be filled with exciting romantic gestures and a grand show of proclaiming our love. If we are lucky, we will realize that true love isn't glamorous or exciting. It is comfortable and familiar. It is worrying about children and each other. It is being best friends and always relying on one another.

We can do this by turning towards each other instead of away. Here are a few exercises that can help you along the way.

Is Your Marriage Primed for Romance?
To get a good sense of how your relationship is faring (or is likely to fare in the future) in the romance department, answer the following questions. Read each statement and circle T for “true” and F for “false”

1. We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. T F
2. I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. T F
3. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. T F
4. My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. T F
5. I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. T F
6. My partner is one of my best friends. T F
7. I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. T F
8. We just love talking to each other. T F
9. When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. T F
10. We always have a lot to say to each other. T F
11. We have a lot of fun together. T F
12. We are spiritually very compatible. T F
13. We tend to share the same basic values. T F
14. We like to spend time together in similar ways. T F
15. We really have a lot of common interests. T F
16. We have many of the same dreams and goals. T F
17. We like to do a lot of the same things. T F
18. Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests. T F
19. Whatever we do together, we usually have a good time. T F
20. My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
10 or above: Congratulations! This is an area of strength in your marriage. Because you are so often “there” for each other during the minor events in your lives, you have built up a hefty emotional bank account that will support you over any rough patches in your marriage (and keep many at bay). It’s those little moments that you rarely think about – when you’re shopping at the supermarket, folding laundry, or having a quick catch-up call while you’re both still at work –that make up the heart and soul of a marriage. Having a surplus in your emotional bank account is what makes romance last and gets you through hard times, bad moods, and major life changes.

Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. By learning to turn toward each other more during the minor moments in your day, you will make your marriage not only more stable but more romantic. Every time you make the effort to listen and respond to what your spouse says, to help him or her, you make your marriage a little better.


Stress Reducing Exercise:

DO:                                                                                  
1. Take Turns                                                                    
2. Don't give unsolicited advice
3. Show genuine interst
4. Communicate your understanding
5. Take your spouse's side
6. Express a "we against others' attitude
7. Express affection
8. Validate emotion        

As we do these, we will turn toward each other and grow closer together. If it has been a while, it may take practice, but it will come. Have discussions with each other often and try to connect each day. For myself, it is easiest for my husband and I to do over dinner. I think it also helps the children to see us connecting each day and to be part of the conversation.

Another way to stay connected is to have shared meaning in our life. We should set aside time often to talk about our goals, this includes personal, family, and marriage goals. It is always good to have family rituals and traditions. This has helped my family stay close. We live in a different state from either side of the family. It feels lonely at times, but we have kept it away by setting up little traditions in our home. We celebrate birthdays by doing a fun activity together. My husband and I have a quiet breakfast together each day because he works nights. It is a nice time to enjoy the quiet together while kids are at school and reconnect.

A gospel perspective:

I know as we do these, we will grow closer together. We must let go in the idea that true romance is grand gestures and take pleasure in the small, everyday things. As I have taken account of how my husband and I turn toward each other, I have seen the little ways he shows his love and have realized that what I may perceive as lack of concern, is just him being busy and worrying about other things. I have come to realize that as I become a comfort and a help mate, he will turn toward me instead of away.                                                                        

Week 5 - Cherishing your spouse ...

I wanted to start out this week with a review of the four horsemen that Dr. Gottman states are a predictor of divorce. They are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Please watch the following videos for examples of each.

 

Now each of, I am sure has let each of these enter our marriages, but we mustn't let it overrun the marriage. This can be accomplished by nurturing our relationship and beginning to cherish our spouse as we once did. There had to be love there at sometimes, why else why would have gotten married. The stresses and worries of life such as bills, jobs, kids, etc. kind of sneak in and take over. 

I really like how Gottman explains it in this video here.

In the second video he gives us seven steps to a happy marriage. What I like is they really are simple and things we should be doing anyway. I know that as I have put these practices to work in my own marriage, I have seen it make a huge difference. The last couple of weeks have been a little shaky. I have my own problems with negative thoughts and sometimes project them onto others, especially my husband. This has caused contentions because I will take things he says and take them completely out of context and become upset for no reason. At times, I have felt very alone because of it. This week's activities have been an amazing experience. The activities I have done alone and those we have done together have brought us so much closer. I have realized how truly blessed I am and how I really need to learn to kick the negativity out of my own head. I would like to share a couple of them that I have felt have helped me the most and I would recommend anyone who is having a hard time in their marriage to do them.

Fondness and Admiration Questionnaire:

According to our research, fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Getting through stressful times and managing conflict is much easier if you and your partner regularly shows how highly you value each other! The following questions have been designed by Dr. Gottman to assess the current level of fondness and admiration that exists in your relationship. On a sheet of paper, please answer T for true and F for false. 

1. I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner. T F
2. When we are apart, I often think fondly about my partner. T F
3. I will often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.” T F
4. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. T F 
5. My partner really respects me. T F 
6. I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. T F
7. I feel accepted and liked by my partner. T F 
8. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. T F 
9. My partner turns me on sexually. T F 
10. There is fire and passion in this relationship. T F
11. Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. T F
12. I am really proud of my partner. T F 
13. My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments. T F 
14. I can easily tell you why I started dating my partner. T F 
15. If I had it all over again, I would date the same person. T F 
16. We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection. T F 
17. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. T F 
18. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship. T F 
19. My partner generally likes my personality. T F
20. Our sex life is generally satisfying. T F

Scoring: Give yourself one point for each true answer.

10 or above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. Because you value each other highly, you have a shield that can protect your relationship from being overwhelmed by any negativity that also exists between you. Although it might seem obvious to you that people who are in love have a high regard for each other, its common for spouses to lose sight of some of their fondness and admiration over time. Remember that this fondness and admiration is a gift worth cherishing. Completing this exercise from time to time will help you reaffirm your positive feelings for each other. 

Below 10: Your relationship could stand some improvement in this area. Don’t be discouraged by a low score! There are many couples for whom the fondness and admiration system has not died but is buried under layers of negativity, hurt feelings, and betrayal. By reviving the positive feelings that still lie deep below, you can strengthen your bond enormously!

If your fondness and admiration for each other are being chipped away, the route to bringing them back always begins with realizing how valuable they are. Fondness and admiration are crucial to the long-term happiness of a relationship because they prevent contempt - a corrosive that, over time, breaks down the bond between partners - from becoming an overwhelming presence in your lives. The better in-touch you are with your deep positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to act contemptuous of your partner when you have a difference of opinion.

** I think I scored a 14 on this questionnaire and it was the first step in realizing that I have no reason to think as negatively as I do at times. This really put things into perspective for me because I realized most of the negativity that enters into our life in because of me. I am working on working on me so that I can be a better wife because I will love myself also.

I Appreciate Exercise:

From the list below, choose three items that you think are characteristic of your partner. If there are more than three, still select just three (you can choose another three if you decide to do this exercise again). Even if you can recall only one instance when your partner displayed this characteristic, you can choose it.

Loving, Sensitive, Brave, Intelligent, Thoughtful, Generous, Loyal, Truthful, Strong, Energetic, Sexy, Decisive, Creative, Imaginative, Fun, Attractive, Interesting, Supportive, Funny, Considerate, Affectionate, Organized, Resourceful, Athletic, Cheerful, Coordinated, Graceful, Elegant, Gracious, Playful, Caring, A great friend, Exciting, Full of plans, Shy, Vulnerable, Committed, Involved, Expressive, Active, Careful, Reserved, Adventurous, Receptive, Reliable, Responsible, Dependable, Nurturing, Warm, Virile, Kind, Gentle, Practical, Lusty, Witty, Relaxed, Beautiful, Handsome, Rich, Calm, Lively, A great partner, A great parent, Assertive, Protective, Sweet, Tender, Powerful, Flexible, Understanding, Totally silly…

For each item you chose, briefly think of an actual incident that illustrates this characteristic of your partner. Write about it in your notebook or journal as follows:

1. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident: 

___________________________________________

2. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident:

___________________________________________
 

3. Characteristic:

___________________________________________

Incident: 

___________________________________________

Now share your list with your partner. Let him or her know what it is about these traits that you value so highly.

**This also helped strengthen us so much. As I prepared for the activity, so many memories flooded back, things I hadn't thought about in so long. Most were from the beginning of our marriage before all of the stress, kids, and financial obligations. It was fun to remember how we once were and exciting to feel we may gain some of that back.

Gospel Perspective:
Our Perfect Example by Henry B. Eyering

I am so grateful for the experiences I have had this week. I hope all of those who are struggling in their marriage will look at these activities and do them seriously and with intent. I know they will help you as they have helped me.

Additional resources:
Gottman Activities Workbook

References:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman, 1999

Week 4 - Behaviors That Negatively Affect Marriage ...

This pretty sums up the week I had as I studied the Gottman theories. I found them very interesting and enlightening, but they also were a warning. Negativity creeps in so easily and before we know it, we have lost an entire week because we were so focused on our own pride. When I first started reading about the four horsemen, it made me really nervous. I could see where my husband and I used the elements (criticism, complaining, contempt, and stonewalling) a lot of the time. I also saw how I instigate so many of our fights because I let my own securities cause the true message of his words become discombobulated and misunderstood. This leads me to become offended and demanding an apology. My husband has backed down to this for so long that he is tired and rarely gives in now. This makes me even more upset and I experience flooding and breakdown. Seeing it truly and analyzing my actions and the outcomes of those actions has given me a new perspective and something to work on for myself.
Don't worry. The picture is much less bleak than I painted it. These fights are few and far between, but I am grateful they happened this week. The assignments given helped me to take a step back and really see my part of it all and I gained a greater understanding of where I need to improve.

As I read the first few chapters of "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John M. Gottman I was reminded of these two kids. They were so young and were best friends. They would talk for hours and shared everything with each other. One of my favorite things that Gottman spoke about and what I feel has helped us so much in our marriage is being good friends. When you have that friendship, when the hurts happen (and they do), they are much less painful because you have good memories and good experiences to override the negativity. If we let our friendship dwindle and there is more negativity than positivity, it is really hard to hold onto the good times. As I read the chapters, I realized how much I rely on those good times. Even when the pressures of a mortgage, kids, school, work, and everything cause us to lash out at each other, we can get over it quickly because we have a deep rooted love that began with a strong friendship.

One of my most favorite parts of these chapter were when Gottman spoke about myths. Here are a few that he explained why they just weren't true.
1.  Neurosee and personality problems ruin marriage.
*We all have our little quirks, but that doesn't mean that we can't succeed at love.
2.  Common interests keep you together.
*I really liked this one because I have always worried that my husband and I don't have a hobby together. We have tried, but we really don't enjoy the same things. He loves golf, and is very good at it, I have a hard time enjoying the silent monotony. I love baseball, but they played it very differently in Mexico and doesn't like our version. This helped me realize we don't have to have something that we do specifically together to stay together.
3. You scratch my back and ...
*I have never liked the idea of trying to measure what one does in comparison to the other. I believe you should just do it without thought of receiving anything in return.
4.  Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.
*This taught me that you don't always have to sit down and hash it out. I have always been one  who believes the myth. My husband is one who feels you don't have to always confront every little thing. I liked how Gottman spoke of a couple who go and do their own thing when they are angry. I think that is a really good idea. Arguing rarely makes things better and usually brings things up from the past.
5.  Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
*I found this really interesting. Usually by the time the affair happens, the marriage has been in
trouble for some time. The person who has the affair is usually looking for companionship and
attention.
6.  Men are not "biologically" built for marriage.
*I agreed with Gottman because he said that the biggest reason that men had the affairs was they
were the ones outside of the home. Now that more women are working outside of the home, the number of women having affairs has actually exceeded those of men having affairs.
7.  Men and women are from different planets.
*Gottman said thinking that men and women are so different that they will never understand each
other is actually part of the problem. "Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don't cause them.

I feel at times we let these myths get in the way of really enjoying our marriage and appreciating it for what it is. I do, so many times I work myself up because my marriage isn't fitting into the mold I feel it should. Reading these myths helped me realize I need to calm down and enjoy my marriage for what it is.

A Gospel Perspective:
 Don't let negativism ruin your marriage.

This talk explains perfectly the material we read this week. It talks about how we can take completely forget about the good things in our spouse if we allow the negativity take over. 

Week 3 - Doctrines of Eternal Marriage

This has been one of my favorite weeks so far. I loved the reading material and I felt so blessed to be able to be going to a school where not only am I able to pursue my degree and further my education, but I am able to feel the spirit.

The talk that really struck me was "Covenant Marriage", by Bruce C. Hafen, one particular part really touched my heart, he stated:

Another bride sighed blissfully on her wedding day, “Mom, I’m at the end of all my troubles!” “Yes,” replied her mother, “but at which end?” When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.







This rung truth in my ears because I have lived it. In the 12 years of our marriage, I feel we have gone through ups and downs because we begin to forget how to be covenant companions. It is easy to fall into Satan's trap and hear the whisperings of the world that tell you that you should only look out for yourself and that your spouse doesn't really love you because they aren't showering you with the love, affection, and gifts that you need or deserve. This is a slippery slope and it usually ends up leaving you unhappy and if you are not careful, divorced. I have seen the affects of giving your whole self to your spouse in my own marriage and I have seen the affects of selfishness. I am so amazed by how much someone can change for the better when we strive to live for their happiness. They begin to do the same, our happiness becomes equally important to them. We then can begin to build or rebuild the relationship and make our marriage a celestial one where we are constantly remembering the covenants and promises we made in the temple.

President Benson's talk was a real eye opener and made me think how I am teaching my own children about the temple. I loved the stories he shared of his mother and how she had spoke to him about the temple. He spoke of his mother preparing for the temple in the talk, "What I Hope You Would Teach Your Children About the Temple." He stated, "Then she put the old flatiron on the stove, drew a chair close to mine, and told me about temple work—how important it is to be able to go to the temple and participate in the sacred ordinances performed there. She also expressed her fervent hope that some day her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren would have the opportunity to enjoy these priceless blessings." I can imagine those memories followed him throughout his life and were a foundation to make him the person he became. I hope and pray to do the same so that my own children may have a strong testimony of the temple and a desire to enter in.

Week 2 - Marriage Between One Man and One Woman

The Sanctity of Marriage Between a Man and a Woman …

As I was doing the reading for my class this week and writing working on the “Make the case for Marriage” assignment, I really liked the idea of sharing the reasons I found that marriage between a man and a woman is an essential part of our society and our eternal happiness.

Marriage not only links the man and the women, but it links them to their children.

*The world today is filled with uncertainty, fear, and a sense of loneliness. When children are raised in a home where there is unity, they are less likely to fall into vices such as alcohol, drugs, and gangs.

*I had a great experience in a class last year that helped me come to a realization about why marriage in families is so important. Children and parents that share a last name are able to form a strong bond and connection. I feel that the security children feel when they know they have a mom and dad who love each other so much and wanted them will not only bless them, but they will strengthen them in times of uncertainty.

The family is ordained of God.

*The family is central to the plan of happiness of our Heavenly Father. He sent us here to Earth to be tried and tested, but he did not leave us alone, he gave us families to give us strength and to work with to achieve the goal of eternal life.

*I feel that Heavenly Father gave us families so that we may have a support system here on earth. Our family also teaches us to be kind, patient, loving, and how to deal with different personalities. If you ask my 6 year old though, during a Family Home Evening she commented that my husband and I only had kids to help us clean the house. We had a great laugh and I words can not express how much I  love my family. They are my most treasured possession.

Marriage is linked to the sacred power of procreation. Only a man and a woman together can create life.

*The Lord gave us the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth and raise our families to be strong in the gospel.

*I remember these words when my husband and I were married and I was so excited to start a family with him. It took a few years, and we were not sure if it would happen, but I have been blessed with 5 beautiful children who bring joy and happiness to my life.

Strong families serve as the fundamental institution for passing on to the future generations the moral strengths, traditions, and values that sustain civilization.

*Families build strong communities, which is the foundation to a strong society.

*I feel this is one of great foundations to community that we are losing. Neighborhoods used to be filled with children playing and adults socializing. We have become so secluded in our own little worlds. I feel we need to get back to the day when we knew our neighbors and looked out for one another. Turn off the TV or the tablet and get outside. We had a sweet experience a couple of months ago. There is a very devout catholic family down the street who have four children. We were talking and I told her my major, which is Marriage and Family Studies. She loved that I was studying to strengthen the family. She also shared how since they are the only family on the block that God would send a good family to buy our house when it was put up for sale. It is amazing to me how Heavenly Father blesses us and others at the same time.

I have a strong testimony of the importance of marriage. Strong marriages between a man and a woman are the foundation to not only strengthening individuals, but whole societies. I am blessed to have been born into a strong family which gave me the example to follow to create a beautiful family of my own. 

We as a society and as individuals need to find the strength to support and stand up for marriage between a man and a woman. President Hinkley said it best in his book, “Standing for Something”, when he stated:

What we desperately need today on all fronts are leaders, men and women who are willing to stand for something.  We need people who are willing to stand up for decency, truth, integrity,

morality, and law and order even when it is unpopular to do so perhaps especially when it is unpopular to do so. Never before, at least not in our generation, have the forces of evil been so blatant, so brazen, so aggressive as they are at the present time. We are involved in an intense battle. It is a battle between right and wrong, [W]e desperately need men and women who, in

their individual spheres of influence, will stand for truth in a world of sophistry. We need moral men and women, people who stand on principle, to be involved in the political process. The weight of our stance may be enough to tip the scales in the direction of truth and right.

References:
1. Ryan T. Anderson. "Marriage: Where Do We Go From Here". www.nationalreviesw.com. September 2014  http://www.nationalreview.com/article/378538/marriage-where-do-we-go-here-ryan-t-anderson

2. Marshall Kirk and Erastes Pill. Guide Magazin "The Overhauling of Straight America" Guide Magazine http://library.gayhomeland.org/0018/EN/EN_Overhauling_Straight.htm November1987

3. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints newsroom. http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/the-divine-institution-of-marriage

4,  Warlde, Lynn D. The Attack on Marriage as the Union of a Man and a Woman. June 2008. http://poseidon01.ssrn.com/delivery.php?ID=702000084013070010067111023076025065061037007020071061119067018014064114077102118101058020007125050109119007024114005119125011030071029038092100124007121007072024038042022097099023031082082026087009091003006007090089071101106099082007094025066066111&EXT=pdf